June 2006 Archives

Tired.
Neither in the physical nor the mental sense,
And I won't consider myself emotionally drained either.
I'm simply tired.

Tired of how the world works,
Tired of the faces that do not smile.
The body sinking into the bed,
All I can think about is the heat exuding from the mattress.
Hot, too hot.
I'm too tired to move and I sleep it away, as I always do.

This sense of detachment from reality,
Nothing but empty, cold; adding to the wintry chill.
I once read Aquarians are often indifferent.
Used to my advantage many times, to remain aloof and distant.
Worked wonders as a teenager, knowing nothing could touch me.
But age has caught up with me, indifference becoming almost uncaring.

I have been in my own head space in the past few days.
Events and conversations replayed, scenarios of what-ifs and maybes.
Mistakes made and lessons learnt.

Restless; filled with a drive to move in so many directions.
Limbo; Neither here nor there, neither up nor down.

Tired.
Tired.
Tired.

It must be that time of the year once more
Cold winds sending chills down my spine
Shivers down to the base of my feet
My teeth chattering
Wind blown hair, misplaced, the fringe partly blocking my view
I stand at the platform and watch the train pull up
It's too full - 2 trains worth of passengers in 1.
I've been taking the train for the past 2 weeks and I hate every moment of it
I detest sharing my space, the musky smell of dusty carriages
School girls in uniform and make up as thick as the paints on my wall
Every strand in place, perfectly positioned, skirts too short for the winter

I digress
Afterall, this is about me
It has been a week of not wanting responsibilities
Same old questions, with no answers.
No answers that I am satisfied with.
Where am I now. What have I achieved? Where am I going.
I am lost; achieved too little; aimless.
I am just another face, a body occupying a space in the city streets.
The sense of losing control and of myself.

I am tired and it is so easy to curl up into a ball.
What I cannot see, I do not know.
And what I do not know, certainly will not hurt me.